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The terrorizing thoughts would hit when I was in bed for the night. I don’t even know how old I was,probably around 10, but I’m not sure. I don’t know how long it lasted either, but I did get over it. While I didn’t dread going to bed, I did dread the thoughts coming. They wouldn’t come every night, just once in awhile.
I would be lying there waiting for sleep to come, when this sudden feeling of nothingness would come over me. Here I was, a real person, but someday I wouldn’t exist. What was even worse were the thoughts of members of my family not existing, especially my Mom and Dad. I would picture the vastness of the universe but instead of feeling wonder I saw us sucked into a big, black hole. The thought of it would have me panic-stricken, with tears pouring down my face and soaking my pillow.
So that sleep could finally come, I would try to count sheep, or think about something else, or banish the thoughts. I became pretty good at it, but occasionally the thoughts would come roaring back and I would have to start again.
Did I ever tell anyone about my fears? Not a soul until recently. I’m not sure why, but these were not the kinds of things I shared with my parents. While we belonged to a religious institution that believed in life after death, I apparently questioned that.
Eventually and thankfully, the thoughts subsided and today, I believe that I have a more mature view of life and death, and how we live on in the memories and minds of others. Both of my parents died at fairly young ages, in their fifties, yet they are still a part of me and still with me, although not physically.
© 2010, kimmanleyort. All rights reserved.
Fear of Nothingness http://goo.gl/fb/BuAhj #kim #memoirs #death #fearofnothingness #kimmanleyort #memoirwriting
Fear of Nothingness http://goo.gl/fb/BuAhj #kim #memoirs #death #fearofnothingness #kimmanleyort #memoirwriting
…eerie indeed! I know you understand this, but there is no fear in all of existence quite like that fear of death. Not the particulars, just the whole concept.
I know I have written somewhere about how I see my mother in everyone she knew. Immortality comes in strange packages…
Very well done!
Very well written, my friend. I felt it, really felt the nothingness and the fear of it. I can remember fearing the death of others as a child but oddly not my own death. Not so much that I feared they would go into nothingness but I feared losing them physically.
I got a spanking once, around 10 years old strangely enough, for telling someone that the woman’s body was dead but her soul lived on and could come back. I was trying to comfort her. But THAT wasn’t something I had been taught by my Protestant family and it didn’t go over well! “Where did you hear that young lady?” “I didn’t hear it anywhere, I just know it.” “Well, just un-know it right now!”
The age of 10 seems to be very significant in our memories of awakenings and awareness, doesn’t it?
Thanks, Bev & Alex. I think 10 is a magic age when you suddenly become aware of the possibility of death. We were pretty smart back then, I think.